everything about me
marcika gltter
hello i am marcika.

welcome to the true homepage. does formatting a website so you have to click "about" to get to the true homepage make sense? yes! and ill tell you why:

this is my website. and i can do whatever i want here.

this page is not complete, and i honestly feel a little bit stuck on what to do next, but i'm hoping inspiration strikes soon.

i'm 25 & live in northern california, USA. i have loved the internet ever since i knew what it was. when i was in elementary school i remember going over to someone in my grade's house and she showed me hilary duff music videos on youtube.com and my world has been rocked ever since. not just youtube, but the entire vastness of the world wide web. i was on the tail end of myspace - i remember having one, but i remember i got a facebook shortly after joining. i love the idea of having a place on the internet that is just for you, personalized in every way to your special tastes and interests. that's what the goal of this is for me. i am a musician that goes under the moniker marcika, and i would love if people that visited listened to my music, but that's just because my music is an extension of me. my website that is my home has to have my music. duh!!

but more than just listen to my music, i'd like if people could be touched in some way by my website. i'd like it to showcase parts of me that can only be shown on the internet, while feeling the feeling of being on your computer. isn't it lovely to click and scroll!

i've been thinking a lot about myself lately, about who i really am. i was a tormented child, and am now starting only to understand what it means to be happy and to love the world around me. my song secret goes "i don't know how to love" and i really don't. i don't know how to love myself, and i don't know how to love others around me. my one escape throughout my life was the internet. what a familiar feeling to be sitting on my bed, typing away on my laptop.

i would say i was a lonely child, but the complicated nature of my offline life felt so far away when i was on the computer. i grew up in los angeles, and i always dreamed of living somewhere with nature i could escape to. i spent 6 months in hungary when i was a child when i was having trouble with my dad (my entire extended family is hungarian, including my parents. im the first generation to be born in the US. so i think im second generation). and when i lived in hungary, there would've been places for me to escape to outside. beautiful places. even my aunt and uncle's garden was so beautiful and calming. yet i chose to stay shut in the room i was staying in, playing on my computer. when real life is so tangible, it can remind you of all your shortcomings. those shortcomings dissapear on the computer, at least they did to me. i vividly remember laying in that bed, stealing the neighbors wifi (my aunt and uncle didnt have wifi at the time hahah) and reading sims 2 stories that people would upload online. they would have screenshots of the game then a little paragraph with dialogue from the characters in that scene. i was obsessed with those. i would also make videos on photobooth on my computer of me singing. i wasn't very good at the time, and i knew it. i always wanted to be a singer but i was terrible at singing. i always wanted to be a shining star with my name up in lights, but a wallflower like me couldn't even dare to dream. the closest i got to dreaming at the time was recording myself singing and listening to it back wondering "could the me now ever be worth anything".

the truth is, to this day i still doubt. i woke up this morning feeling hopeless. but i got on my computer. there's so much you can do on here. there's so much of yourself you can share. one day at a time, i'd like to show the world wide web who i am. all the pretty and the ugly. i have so much emotion and love and anger and fear and pain and joy and nostalgia and etc etc etc! as im sure every human being on this earth does. but i'd love a place where i can say: here is me.

i don't want to hide in the shadows anymore. i want to scream at the top of my lungs. i want the world to hear the name marcika.