(spoiler) this is mostly about my life right now, not really about the song or video itself. it's really my thoughts about fame, which take it is about. it's kind of a roundabout way of talking about the song. anywayz..
what am i doing
is there any point to putting my weak fists up in combat, so ready to fight the enemy in front of me who is simply trying to stay alive, the same as me.
everyone seems to want to have their cake and eat it too these days. maybe it’s ‘cause the cakes are getting smaller and more expensive.
to those who don’t know (i also didn’t know until i had to look it up a couple years ago) the saying “you can’t have your cake and eat it too” refers to the fact that “having” a cake and “eating” a cake is the same thing. i used to think it made no sense because i assumed having a cake just meant having it in your possession. but if you think about it like someone saying “i just had cake” it makes a bit more sense.
anyways. i know i can’t be famous and stay someone “of the people”. i know reaching for fame means becoming untouchable. what do i really desire? what do i wish for?
why do i keep working this dead end job where all the upper management view me as a pest who upsets the status quo? i work as a cater waiter to make my rent. and i just got in actual trouble ‘cause i keep eating the food. did you know cater waiters don’t always get to eat the food they serve? we actually rarely do. still, i sneak bites. and i teach new workers how to sneak bites as well. apparently the other servers eat more when i’m around. isn’t it so funny that that’s a bad thing? i’m crying more than i’m laughing these days, so i guess it’s a bit of a bitter laugh i’m having at my own expense here.
i’m honestly miserable. i can’t even sing lately. every time i try it feels like the words have lost their meaning.
i want to confidently say that there’s happiness in being alive. i want to confidently say that there’s a reason to stand up and fight. the thing is - even if i can’t come up with a concrete reason - i’m still going to be happy. and i’m still going to fight.
i’m going to stop eating the food at work unless they explicitly let me. 1 - they threatened to take away all food privileges from everyone if i kept eating. and 2 - i do actually enjoy the job & enjoy making rent and having money to survive. i have my sights set on 2 other jobs that i want to try out, but no matter how much i fantasize about quitting being a cater waiter, i don’t really want to quit. i like working with my coworkers. i like seeing these events come together with our combined strength and effort. i like coming up with solutions for problems on the fly.
i think i might just be a bit burnt out. i’m also trying to get off my meds right now. i was on sertraline and wellbutrin and they were helping me with what i needed them to help with, but it was just a loose bandaid. i want to face my problems head on.
i like being working class. i like showing up to work and knowing that even though some people might genuinely hate me because i question their authority (specifically 1 of my managers has the biggest issue with me and i actually can understand where he’s coming from, but that’s a sotry for another day).
i don’t think i’m 100% in the right. i also don’t think it’s wrong to just want to eat a snack. all the rich people we serve assume we get to eat the fucking food. i watch piles of food get thrown away every shift. so really i’m not hurting anything except for the delicate status quo that is about to topple over anyways because of the goddamn state of the world.
i want the world to change. and i know people are thinking about death. i actually don’t agree with “eat the rich”. i get where people who say it are coming from - at a point in time i thought the solution could be that simple. but it’s all circumstantial.
i made a friend last summer who’s lived her whole life in uruguay. i’m happy she spoke english so we could understand each other. we met at a hungarian language camp, because she has a hungarian grandfather and wanted to feel more connected to that part of herself. both my parents are hungarian so being hungarian is most of what i am lol. it was so beautiful to be able to bond with her (and the other people at the language camp). we were all adults but most people were in their early 20s while i’m in my mid 20s and she was in her early 30s.
anyways we were talking about life and society and she told me how she thinks it’s foolish that people think killing the rich would have any real impact.
it would just add more suffering to the already miserable situation.
everyone has a boss. and every boss can be replaced. and as long as the human desire for power exists, there will be someone in line to become the boss.
so really the only solution is to change what power means.
so when i say i want fame, i know what it really means. i want power. but before i accept any power, i want to understand more of what power means.
and that knowledge can only come from existing within the framework of being a regular person. which i’ve existed as for 26 years now.
sometimes i feel like i’m just studying what it means to be human because i don’t quite understand it yet. but the more i study other humans, the more i feel like none of us have a handle on this shit yet.
even the rich people i serve. the millionaires. the billionaires.
i think i like serving them because i like to look into their eyes. i like to see their humanity mirrored in my own.
power and money do scary things to people. yet they remain as people. so does that mean we all have the capacity for great amounts of greed? just the feeling of wanting to stay alive can be perceived as greed, although it’s much more complicated than that.
this is all more complicated than i can even begin on. i’ve been afraid of saying anything lately out of fear of being misinterpreted.
i’ve been stuck in fear, afraid of making the wrong move. but it really is worse not making any moves at all - i can feel as time passes me by anyways, second by second my body is degrading.
still, i wonder what the solution is. i don’t want humanity to destroy itself. i don’t like seeing those in the same social caste as me wish destruction for those who simply have more money and power. the desire for destruction has the power to destroy you from the inside out.
but then, there’s all the destruction and suffering people have caused as a result of their actions. will they never have to answer for those despicable, selfish acts?
what about me, not knowing how each of these people i serve have gotten their money, yet i keep them from going hungry - offering them food off a silver platter for 27 dollars an hour? couldn’t i be considered evil?
am i far enough removed from it all that i can be forgiven? is that what they all tell themselves at night too? do they even think about the results of their actions?
there is no ethical way to spend or make money at this point. all money is dirty money, when you follow either where it comes from or where it’s going. some money has a pure origin and some money has a pure destination. but all of the world’s money get muddled up somewhere along its journey.
it’s easy to get disillusioned and just decide to give up. but i think i’ll continue to raise my fists up against it all.
why is my dream to be watched by the whole world? i want to shine so bright no one could look away. i want to give people hope. such a silly, childish dream. hope for what? most of the people i work with don’t give a fuck about pop culture. they’re too busy surviving. how fucking naive do you have to be to believe you could make a difference like that. but art has always had a purpose. it just that pop culture is tepid, dry, and pathetic lately. the entertainment industry needs to GO for rewarding art being used a distracton. that’s the result of money, by the way.
i’m pretty smart and could probably do anything i set my mind to. but there’s only ever been 1 thing i could truly say my heart desired. and the older i get the more i understand exactly what that is.
i wonder why i’m taking my time. it really feels like there isn’t much time. but there is. there’s time.
there’s 24 hours in each day. and i’m not claiming to know how to use each of those hours to the best of my ability, but i know that i just need to dedicate each moment to studying the movements of the world. i know i can find something hidden in the chaos. i know i’m not the only one searching for it.
there’s no future where everyone evil is gone and everyone good rebuilds a beautiful utopia where we all get along. but there is a future where we realize the way things are don’t guarantee a happy end for any of us, and there’s no happiness in making each other suffer for our own survival.
but there’s also no such thing as eternal happiness. and destruction is necessary for rebirth. i just think we have the ability to think more critically about what destruction means.
really i’ve just said nothing at all throughout this entire thing. but that’s why i can say with confidence that i’m not the pop star that’s gonna save the world. i’m too naive, too egotistical. i’m just another domino in this never ending fucking rupe goldberg machine that ends when the sun explodes and the earth turns to stardust. ( honestly? it’ll probably keep going after that. )
but watch me try anyways. XD