about my video "me dancing to hit the target by theo katzman"

okay so let me just start with my spotify wrapped. theo katzman has been my top artist for like 3 years in a row. he is one of my biggest inspirations as a songwriter and performer. his music and his performances electrify me. i want to make my audience feel like i do watching theo katzman perform. i can just always feel how much he loves his music, and how much he loves to share his songs with the world.
this song, "hit the target" is off of his newest album. the beginning caught my ear from the get-go. that haunting piano riff starting off the song, then suddenly the drums come in - hitting my ears like a target.

My heart is in the throes
It falls so fast into the trash
And there she goes

to be quite honest with you, i have no idea what to make of the first verse of this song. i love these lines at the end of it, though. i really love the wording of "my heart is in the throes". it's such a beautiful sentiment. "in the throes". just thinking about the imagery of that... the definition of throes is "intense or violent pain and struggle, especially accompanying birth, death, or great change". i feel my heart is often in the throes.

when this video was taken (april 9, 2023). i had just recently quit my job. i had this job for around 10 months and it was time for me to go. i used to work at a public access tv station. because public access tv stations tend to have an "in" with the city they're in, when the station got kicked out of their last place, the city let the station be in the condemned city hall building.

i quit because my heath was in total decline due to horrible management, but also literally because the bathrooms in that building were UNUSABLE. the building was very beautiful (maybe will show pics at a later date, im tired rn) but it was CONDEMNED. it was condemned because it wasnt earthquake safe, but the entire building was rotting. anyways - i have debilitating germ ocd so instead of using the bathrooms i PEED MY PANTS 3 TIMES in 2022. i sharted at work once. had to throw away my underwear. i peed my pants all 3 times right at my front door. i cant wear shoes in the house and every single time i peed my pants it was because i stopped at the front door to take my shoes off instead of running straight to the toilet. ...such is life.

anyways, going back to my heart being in the throes (how does peeing my pants and sharting relate to this again?? LOL) i was in horrible turmoil the entire time i worked there. and the truth is, my heart has been in the throes ever since i was born. i have been trying to find my way out of the darkness for so long. i feel like im getting away from how i relate to this song... hahahhha. as it goes!!!

let me skip to the chorus

Put down the pistol
Pick up the bow and arrow, my friend
Put down your fist, can't just hit yourself in the head
You have to hit the target instead

i feel like this chorus really speaks for itself, but what i'll say is i am so used to the feeling of desperately and clumsily destroying myself for the hope of feeling relief from the throes of my rotten heart that hearing these words said in this way brought me such peace and comfort.

Six years of bouncing 'round the room for patience
Wanes and waxes, likes and follow backs
Just ain't the same as guts and glory
Songs and stories by the flame
The time is up, the blood is boiling in my veins

this is my favorite part of the whole song.

in the video, i kind of trip on my bed as im dancing and i just have this feeling rush through my body like "this isn't how i want to be dancing to this song. these moves aren't making me feel the music. something has to change."

so i look at the camera and let me feel those words. you can see me in the very beginning of the video saying the words wrong, but i know the words to this part. and so ..

im feeling sleepy now so im gonna stop, but ill be back to finish this page!! i have more to say!!