diary time.

fri oct 11, 2024

i wanted to code today. so i am doing that. technically adding paragraph breaks and just writing whatever i want counts as coding. i really don't know what i want to write about though. i've been working a lot lately. if you all don't know (which most of you don't unless you've watched all the way through my are you having fun yet acoustic bedroom ver. youtube video (i'm not liking that rn cuz im not here to plug my music. if u wanna see it you should just copy and paste that into youtube and it should come up. if it doesn't come up then go thru my 30 videos. idk there are ways.) oh and you would also know if you're a close personal friend of mine. or if i told you randomly and you remembered. or maybe you have met me through cater waitering? i guess there's a big chunk of people who might know that. well. that was whole lot that maybe didn't NEED to be said but it was said. what am i gonna do delete these thoughts? what's awesome about writing some words is it barely takes up disk space. literally KILOBYTES of data!!! if you know you know thats not that much compared to like. a video. im not in the mood to talk about file sizes though lolol.

so i've been working a lot. i'm eating some fancy ~homemade~ rosemary and sea salt chips i got at an event. i took it when i knew no one was watching me because i wanted to try it and it was in a bag and there was a perfect moment to take it. sometimes i ask if i can take something, but i've learned sometimes you're better off just taking it. and i have no qualms with taking it because tbh im at the event too. i'm literally working the party, let me try the chips. it's lunacy they don't let us have some IMO. but capitalism or whatever we aren't paying or wahtever but are we not paying to be there with our time, bodies, and mind? and i;ve been giving a lot of energy lately so thank you very much for the chips. it's 2 bags (one for me, one for liv) & i saw our company wheeling the chip bags away at the end cuz we always have stuff left over. they just don't always let us take stuff home.

hold on lemme make this text pink

that took me like 3 minutes lol. i forgot how to put style into an element without getting into css sheets and just quickly putting it in a block.

sooo i don't really know what else i wanna say right now. i just kinda felt like reaching a hand out to my site. i wonder if anyone is reading this :D well i'm happy if you are...

now im eating a 100 grand chocolate bar. another catering gift :D

idk what i wanna do the rest of the day. i was just really enjoying relaxing knowing i have like a week off (i worked sooo much in a row and i am exhausted). i kinda wanna play borderlands with liv?? we havent played in so long - we were playing through it like 2 years ago cuz its my fave shooter game (i loooveee the elemental stuff, soooo satisfying). we stopped playing cuz the tv we were playing on was too small for local co-op. the way that game does local co-op is infuriating, but im happy it exists. our living room at the time was technically not a living room. we just called it "the big room" bc it was a big, weird shaped room that had our desks in it bc our rooms couldn't fit out desks so we couldn't put in a comfy couch. it was just a werid room to hang out in. had some good times in it but now we're in a new place and there is an ACTUAL LIVING ROOM. its soooo nice. i've never in my whole life been able to enjoy laying on my own big comfy couch and feeling fully relaxed (not even as a child, like i basically only spent time in my own room. i barely felt comfortable there but it was the only place i felt even remotely comfortable. anyways. i love being an adult bc i know now that a weird/bad childhood is only temporary. there is so much to look forward to when you have the priviledge of making your life your own. not every adult has that, but if you have the ebility to do what you want with your life and you aren't making steps to get there - that really is your own fault. i know it because i experienced it. im #1 excuse giver in the world and even i know most excuses amount to "i didn't want to spend my time doing that". it's a choice for sure.

and so today i chose to write. and code. lol.

i didn't have to look up how to make it aqua this time. i only know how to do font color now from memory. i think the size is either font-size or just size. idk!!!!! some things have font in front of them and some don't. i'll either learn to remember or have to make myself a cheatsheet on my site. a cheatsheet might be nice cuz it could help other people too. the real issue is, i've already saved some people's cheatsheets to share but i have no clue how to sort through the 200 website links i have scattered throughout 5 locations. absolutely ridiculous. my organization is weirdly horrible for how high strung i am.

as this is coming to a close, here is a video:

wed nov 29, 2023

i am feeling melancholy today. or i guess i have been for the past week-ish. i just sang the entirety of this song in the shower just now.
i sang it from memory. i've liked this song ever since i was around 14/15 years old. back then when i first got into vocaloid, i really loved listening to english translations. this one always stood out to me. i'd say it's one of my favorite songs ever. i love the emotion in rachie's voice & i love the lyrics (written by leelee).

even when im not crying i think about this line often. i have been sick for a while. i asked my mom if i ever cried when i was young. she said no. i started crying when i was 9 years old, when i had my first big OCD meltdown. and i haven't stopped since. i don't really remember anything before then. my dad was abusive towards my mom and i. we both always just had to do everything he told us to. he had a very dictorial attitude. i always felt like my life was out of my control. so it's interesting that my brain developed a disorder that makes up fictional scenarios in my head for me to have some sort of perceived control over my life. even though he doesn't have an effect on my life anymore, it's hard to forget that feeling. it's hard for me to let go. maybe it's because i've never known anything else. it's always been hard for me to relate to people who miss the feeling of childhood. when i think of what it felt like to be a child, i think of clenched fists and dead eyes. i definitely have moments where i feel like i am alive and i have control over my own life, but right now? i just feel empty.

somehow i always find myself back to this feeling. is it okay for me to keep dreaming? i wish i could say im the kind of person who never thinks about giving up. the truth is, i think about it all the time. but when it comes down to it - i have no choice but to keep going. because when i think back to that little girl who listened to this song, crying, wondering if anything would change - she was praying to me. it's always felt like my greatest gift is wasting time. i know my time is precious. so why do i feel so worthless? it's like, i truly believe there isn't a point to anything. not even in a depressing way, just - there isn't a point, so lets be good to each other during our short time on this earth. so i try to be kind. i try to be someone worth being. because i didn't always feel that way. i used to live only for myself. all my actions were born out of survival. i didn;t have time to care about others. i can say i care about other people now. i can say i have people i love, who i know love me. back then, i would have said the only person i loved who loved me back was my mom... but even that relationship was strained. (my mom and i don't have a strained relationship anymore!! i love her very very much). but why is it i still feel this way?? i think it might just be an inescapable part of life. i know a lot of other people who feel this way as well. i know i'll get over it. i know i'll be happy again. just... right now... in this moment...