diary time.

wed nov 29, 2023

i am feeling melancholy today. or i guess i have been for the past week-ish. i just sang the entirety of this song in the shower just now.
i sang it from memory. i've liked this song ever since i was around 14/15 years old. back then when i first got into vocaloid, i really loved listening to english translations. this one always stood out to me. i'd say it's one of my favorite songs ever. i love the emotion in rachie's voice & i love the lyrics (written by leelee).

"You're sick, aren't you dear?"
I'm sick of the tears

even when im not crying i think about this line often. i have been sick for a while. i asked my mom if i ever cried when i was young. she said no. i started crying when i was 9 years old, when i had my first big OCD meltdown. and i haven't stopped since. i don't really remember anything before then. my dad was abusive towards my mom and i. we both always just had to do everything he told us to. he had a very dictorial attitude. i always felt like my life was out of my control. so it's interesting that my brain developed a disorder that makes up fictional scenarios in my head for me to have some sort of perceived control over my life. even though he doesn't have an effect on my life anymore, it's hard to forget that feeling. it's hard for me to let go. maybe it's because i've never known anything else. it's always been hard for me to relate to people who miss the feeling of childhood. when i think of what it felt like to be a child, i think of clenched fists and dead eyes. i definitely have moments where i feel like i am alive and i have control over my own life, but right now? i just feel empty.

It feels like walking has become another chore
I don't think I can go on walking anymore
So please forgive me for these words, I know they're cliche to you
But life is tiring, my feet are getting sore

I wish that I could have a bit of time
To heal the ache that's growing stronger all the time
But I know time stops for nobody, let alone me
And so I go, inevitably

somehow i always find myself back to this feeling. is it okay for me to keep dreaming? i wish i could say im the kind of person who never thinks about giving up. the truth is, i think about it all the time. but when it comes down to it - i have no choice but to keep going. because when i think back to that little girl who listened to this song, crying, wondering if anything would change - she was praying to me. it's always felt like my greatest gift is wasting time. i know my time is precious. so why do i feel so worthless? it's like, i truly believe there isn't a point to anything. not even in a depressing way, just - there isn't a point, so lets be good to each other during our short time on this earth. so i try to be kind. i try to be someone worth being. because i didn't always feel that way. i used to live only for myself. all my actions were born out of survival. i didn;t have time to care about others. i can say i care about other people now. i can say i have people i love, who i know love me. back then, i would have said the only person i loved who loved me back was my mom... but even that relationship was strained. (my mom and i don't have a strained relationship anymore!! i love her very very much). but why is it i still feel this way?? i think it might just be an inescapable part of life. i know a lot of other people who feel this way as well. i know i'll get over it. i know i'll be happy again. just... right now... in this moment...

It's getting difficult to maneuver,
and there's no use in trying to run away
So I hold my hands over my ears and try to block out all the noise
How can I live not knowing what life is,
sometimes my dreams seem to be more realistic
Obviously I can't be called happy but then...
What am I after all